While most everyone has an opinion on many things, our
opinions are not sought on all things.
And, while expertise and degrees, practices and professions warrant many
seeking opinions and input from us, it is important we first think through both
the reason for that request, and how the idea will be received.
In a cycle of opinion-sharing, it often entails two
steps: Someone asks something, and we
share our opinion. Done. Another two-step flow is: Someone or something is observed, and we
share our opinion. Done (except for the
rejection or the disagreement regarding appropriateness).
Instead of either two-step approaches, the following
five-step flow allows for less “done”, and more “relating”.
Hear. Is
someone saying something, asking something?
It is important we hear another person, rather than presumptively
step-in, or on their approach or conversation.
The words and ideas must physically be heard. And, if nothing is said, per se, then asking
if someone wants to discuss XYZ is a form of hearing, as that person may say
“yes” or “no”, and hearing that response is vital.
Listen. While
words are being said, not all of us really listen. What?
Exactly! We often think we know
where someone is going, or finish a thought for someone else because we
listened long enough to know…at least in our minds. When people are speaking, it is more than
just hearing words, it’s listening to that person, in that moment, about that
issue or opportunity, that creates trust and exchange.
Comprehend. While
we listen, we are processing. In that
processing, some things seem out of the realm of possibility to us, and others
seem “normal”, or feasible.
Comprehension involves engagement beyond the hearing and listening, as
it engages potential, resources, and perspective. Questions of “what?” and “how?” here allow
for further investigation. “Why?”
questions often evoke defense, so as we are comprehending what someone else is
sharing or asking, it is considerate not to put that person on the
defensive…remember, we want to comprehend, no offend!
Decide. With
data, emotion, background and even hope being considered, we decide what we are
able, and willing, to use. As we decide
our stance, this is the first time this process is about us, as the previous
steps were us doing something for/with the person inquiring. This is where our opinion is formed
internally. Our decision is something we
own, and is not to be reached until we have the information we believe
necessary for us to move on.
Share. Eventually,
and believe it or not, often quickly, after hearing, listening, comprehending
and deciding, remember, someone wanted our opinion, it is time to share. How we share is equally as important as the
sharing of a view itself. Starting off
with something like “Having heard you are looking to X, and appreciating your
shared Y, based on my experience, you may want to consider Z”. A stronger approach is to offer “Respecting
you want to X, and considering Y, it is my opinion that Z.” In neither of the examples did the statement
start with “I” or “You”. This is
intentional, as it is about the view and not vanity or correctness. An opinion does not have to be accepted or
rejected, rather shared.
Having an opinion, and our opinion
being sought, are two different things.
Respecting the words, intent and details of the exchange, as mentioned
above, will keep the expressing of views less about just the opinion, and more
about consideration.