Maybe Means No

“Commitment is an act, not a word.”

Jean-Paul Sartre

French philosopher, playwright, novelist, screenwriter, political activist, biographer, and literary critic.

1905 – 1980)

When someone says “I might be there” or replies to an invitation with a “Maybe”, please know this is likely a “No”.

And, better yet, please smile and say something like “Thanks for letting me know your thoughts on the event.  I am going to put you down as a no”.

Even though people may be surprised by your response, and even defend themselves, as someone planning an event, accept only commitments…to coming or not attending…not indecisive people for whom you cannot accurately plan time, food and more.  Also, this will keep you from additional follow-up, which can seem like begging, for a final count for your event.

Similarly, instead of saying “I might be there” or “Maybe”, please know you, too, are likely a “No”, so simply offer a “No, thank you”, and keep the host from wondering about you as well!

New Year, Same You

"Take the attitude of a student, never be too big to ask questions, never know too much to learn something new."

- Og Mandino 

American author. He wrote the bestselling book The Greatest Salesman in the World. His books have sold over 50 million copies and have been translated into over twenty-five different languages. (1926 - 1996) 

In just the first three days of the 2014, I counted nearly 20 promotions or ads for "New Year, New You", and at first, I connected to the notion, and then it dawned on me that the concept meant that somehow the way we were last year was somehow not good, or not good enough for the New Year, and then I decided "no, thanks" to "New Year, New You".

And, you may want to do the same...

Instead of abandoning all things in the past by saying it's time for change, perhaps first we can take stock of all the accomplishments we had in 2013, all the friends and family we supported or connected with last year, all the lives we impacted, and all the work we got done. And, after reflecting on the good from the 12 previous months, we can, in a healthy state of mind, think of how well things went followed by ways to improve.

So, as you move ahead in this new calendar of life, keep your interests in the New Year, yes, and also remember, you did some great things in the past, too. It's time for "New Year, Same You"...you need not be "new" each time the holiday season ends. Sure, maybe you are you now with a tweak or two, an added interest or so, and absolutely in this New Year, you are ready for what lies ahead!

Set, Keep & Realize CLEAR Goals

“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.”  
- Henry David Thoreau 
American author, poet, philosopher, abolitionist, naturalist, tax resister, development critic, surveyor, historian, and leading transcendentalist. (1817 – 1862)  

Part of what bring on disinterest or those excuses is how the goals are set.  Many goals are "fuzzy".  Fuzzy goals are goals with "more", "less", "better", or "try harder" in them.  These are fuzzy because they are not quantifiable.  Things that are not measurable, are not track-able, and therefore, their attainment is also fuzzy!

For you, and if you coach/encourage others, ensure you set CLEAR goals, meaning the goals are:  

Captured - If they aren't recorded, they are not likely going to even get remembered!

Livable - If the goals are possible and realistic within your world, they can be taken seriously.   
Evaluative - If there is a way to assess movement/progression, you can show advancement! 

Actionable- When there is a first step, there can/will be a second and so on.  Action begets action! 

Resonating - Goals that are personable and connect are those that click with/for you! 

With CLEAR goals in January, or anytime, you are able to hold yourself accountable, and realize what has been accomplished...and leave the fuzzy behind!

State Vs. Question When Seeking Input

“Any general statement is like a check drawn on a bank. Its value depends on what is there to meet it.”

-Ezra Pound

American poet and critic who was a major figure of the early modernist movement.

(1885 – 1972)

How many times have you said “Did you get my email?” or “Did you get my voicemail?” when running into someone after sending or leaving a message?  or how many times have you heard “Did you get my email?” or “Did you get my voicemail?” from someone when running into that person after s/he sent or left a message?  

Either way, people can feel slighted and/or put on the spot.  This type of inquiry typically leads to excuses, explanations, and a lot of chatter that does not address the issue, rather just answers the question posed.

If you are the one doing the asking, instead, please consider changing that question to a statement. Greeting someone with a kind “Hello” that is eventually followed by “You may or may not have received my email and…”, or “You may or may not have heard my voicemail, and…”.  This verbiage is kind, shares there was previous communication, and doesn’t put someone on the spot.  There will likely be no mention of whether or not s/he read or listened to your message, and at that point, that’s okay, as you can move to addressing the topic at hand rather the receipt of a previous send.

Appreciation Replacements

With many offers and gifts being given, sometimes we say and do things that we don't mean, or may not realize how they impact others (imagine that!).  In order to ensure we show our appreciation or position with respect for ourselves and others, please consider these quick changes in language: 

1. Thank you replaces "Oh, you shouldn't have".  Thank you means thanks, and you shouldn't have sounds like a slight scolding (even though we mean it was nice that the person did it).
2. Thanks replaces "You didn't need to do that".  We need to do little in life, and hopefully do more of what we want.  People who wanted to get or give you something know they didn't have to, so just thank them for their effort instead of that awkward rejection of they didn't have to do something.
3. You are welcome replaces "No problem".  We don't want to think anything was a problem, especially at the holidays, so showing respect in response to a thank you, means they are welcome - no problem invited/included in the conversation at all!
4. You're welcome replaces "It was nothing".  What you did was something, so if someone thanks you, allow them to know their comment was, in fact, welcomed!  

By sharing quick responses that are kind and responsive, respectful and heartfelt, we can give and receive with positivity and appreciation!

PEAs in a Pod

"One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes... and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility. "

-Eleanor Roosevelt 

Longest-serving First Lady of the United States, Author.

(1884 - 1962)

Whether it is with a colleague, partner, child, in a personal relationship, friendship, or any work/employment situation, there are many ways to create challenges and have conflict, and also, gratefully, many ways to do just the opposite and enhance the opportunity to have enjoyment and success! 

One of the ways to consider creating a good foundation is to ensure you are both/all functioning as PEAs in a Pod.  Sure, we think of people or even animals as being peas in a pod, so to speak, when they are inadvertently doing something that is similar to one another or they present in a way that is alike.  The same is true for being PEAs in a Pod intentionally.

To establish your own Pod, here's how you tend to the PEAs:

P - Philosophy - share and listen to one another's ideas, hopes, dreams, approaches and overall outlook.  Make no assumptions.  Ask questions.  If this is for a personal relationship, you will learn what to talk about and even subjects to avoid.  For work, especially for hiring and partnering, you will know if you are coming from the same perspective in views and ideas.

E - Expectations - discuss things you want, and what you will provide.  Expectations can seem "heavy" in discussions for work or play, and yet, without them, we are making assumptions...and you know where that gets you!

A - Actions - make plans for who does what, when and where.  The how and the why are not necessarily part of this, as even those who are working in tandem can do things differently...as long as the agreed upon actions get completed successfully.  

By allowing and empowering each other to be "on the same page", or at least know and respect where you are not, you establish both a perception and a reality through which you will likely be strong in your relationship, clear in your focus, respectful in your actions, and even two or three or more PEAs in a Pod!

RSVPing Responsibly

You'll likely be getting and/or sending an invitation or two in the next few weeks, and below are some reminders for RSVPing respectfully and responsibly.  And, while RSVP may mean "repondez s'il vous plait" here, it means that plus: 

R - Respond minimally 5 days prior to the event, and absolutely by the RSVP requested deadling 

S - Say "yes" or "no", and no "maybe" or "I'll try", or "I might stop by" 

V - Volunteer to assist with something, and if you are the guest, volunteer to clean up  

P - Plan to be at the event on time (not too early or really late), and stay minimally an hour

For what reason?  For the following reasons:

R - People who plan events buy food, place seats and so much more.  Last minute changes make for last minute changes for the host, and the host has enough to do!
S - Being a maybe or a non-responder warrants being a "no" to me, and yet some others are not as steadfast.  Being a maybe is self-focused, and can appear as though you were just waiting for a "better offer".  Make a decision and stick with it. You are not doing anyone a favor by being at their party, so decide what is best for you, make no excuses or add any grandeur, and simply do what you say you are going to do.
V - It's formal etiquette, yes, and yet, it's just the right thing to do.  Offer to participate before, and mean it.  If that is not requested, then act on the clean up immediately on your own.  Unless you are told differently, keep cleaning and enjoy the whole evening/event's experiences.
P - Arriving too early and going up to the door, or into the room, is just as unfortunate as being terribly late is.  Shoot for a 15-30 minute range for arrivals if you are hosting, and have a call or something you can do out in your car if you are a guest.  Plan to arrive within 10 minutes of the start if things are more formalized than a simple open house.

These RSVP tips are not mean to be confining or stuffy, rather encouraging and empowering.  By RSVPing with kindness and care, thoughtfulness and follow-through, you will be a guest who just might have a ball, and get invited back!

Gobble Up the Gratitude

"Gratitude is the most exquisite

form of courtesy."

- Jacques Maritain 

French Philosopher 

(1882 - 1973)

Whether it is appreciation, happy, love, gratitude, a look, or another expression you have for the giving of thanks, gobble it up...and give of it freely!

A simple "thank you" can be the best thing someone hears all day.

A smile can be the most welcoming, sweetest sight someone can see all day.

A hug or kiss can be the best connection someone gets all day.

And...

A sincere "you're welcome" can validate that appreciation, and encourage someone to keep giving more, where nothing, or a "no problem" may make the person feel as though the thank you wasn't worthwhile.

A returned smile with the softening of the eyes and the shine of your pearly whites can reinforce how powerful a kind look can be instead of a furrowed brow meeting a smile as though it is saying "what are you smiling at?".

An extra second on the hug or kiss can make that other person feel as though she or he will really be missed when gone, as opposed to the superficial air kiss or shoulder hug.

Only a turkey would miss out on such a feast of gratitude this Thanksgiving...or any time of the year!