SUCCESS Through Difficult Conversations

"A single conversation across the table with a wise person is worth a month's study of books." - Chinese Proverb

What makes some conversations more difficult than others? Surely it is the topic, and it can also be our perception, our approach, and our own discomfort. Hoping things will go away or change is ideal for a moment, but eventually, just idealistic. As a leader, there are going to be potential difficult conversations to lead. First, decide you are going to have them, and then determine how to handle them professionally, and, for the sake of you and the other person/people, quickly! I view the situations as a DPD road to Success. The DPD stands for Decide, Prepare and Deliver. The SUCCESS comes from how you handle the last, most critical part, the delivery. Here is an overview:

Decide. Before you launch into a plan, please consider the following: Is this useful? Is this opinion or input? Is there a solution?

If the conversation will just be hurtful, filled with opinion, and more of a "hit-and-run" criticism versus a chance to address and resolve something, don't have it. People mistake complaints and thrashings for difficult conversations, and those are only difficult for those of us who thought you were a leader and find you were not leading, rather ranting if you do that. If the conversation is useful, for input, and there is a solution, proceed.

Prepare. Think this through beyond the concepts above. Go into a tactical approach, including: What to say. What not to say. How to say it. What if...

Know that certain facts and concerns are to be included. Bringing up superfluous ideas and the past may just be "piling on", so be certain things are not unrelated, or simply hurtful. When addressing someone and something like this, keep tone, eye contact, and compassion in mind. Know what you hope to have as an outcome. Similarly, think "what if this goes differently?". Consider the personality, personal history, and personal attitude of both you and the other person in the conversation. Expect the best, and still prepare for the worst.

Deliver. Do it. Ensure this is done face-to-face whenever possible. Even if you are on the phone due to distance of the relationship or situation, please embrace the following in delivery: Privately. Personally. For growth. With compassion.

By ensuring the person's privacy, and bringing the "e" to human and being humane in your delivery, you will ensure the person knows you want him or her to grow as a result of the conversation, and not feel embarrassed or ashamed. This is something you will discuss and put in the past. When you are compassionate and clear, there will be SUCCESS in the tackling of the difficult conversation quickly and kindly while being firm and focused. SUCCESS comes from all the following:

Seek permission. Make sure the person knows you are having a meeting. Something like "Is this a good time to talk for 10-15 minutes about the XYZ client lunch?" Use a soft start. Give the person a chance. "How did you think the lunch went?" may be appropriate, and something like "How ARE you doing?" may work. Let the other person take the lead on recognizing things. S/he may not, but a soft start (Not a "Boy, you are in trouble here!" or "You've got me in a really bad place") will allow the compassion to show. Consider feelings and facts. People get emotional. You may. Keep to facts whenever possible. Calm with mood not humor. While discomfort can bring out the worst in our "humor", let it rest. Resist the temptation to say something light, or to giggle or laugh to "lighten the mood". Instead, focus on being calm and professional, so the other person will sense your mood and likely follow your pacing and positioning. Express impact of change. Let the person know s/he can make the change. Move to solution and change fairly quickly once the situation is outlined. Also, share how the change will positively impact his/her image, impression, feelings, and position. Stay clear and stay positive on this one. Straight-forward in language and tone. Watch the "kind of", "sort of", and "sometimes you might", and even the "you might want to consider" language. I love "you may want to consider" for offering ideas, but in difficult conversations, language and tone are to be firm and fair, clear and concise, so instead, something like "it is imperative for your success and growth that you...". Seek agreement/follow-up. With all of the above happening, you are not dictating, rather being a guide and leader as you manage the situation. Let the conversation end only when you and the other person have agreement. Ask for it if there is little said or expressed from the other person. Getting it may seem invasive, and yet not having a plan to follow-up (specifically with a date/time to cover it), you may be left in ambiguity and facing a much more difficult exchange.

Few of us enjoy difficult conversations, while most of us enjoy growth and being the catalyst for it in ourselves and others. Having difficult conversations for SUCCESS will enable that in your relationships, so take the DPD approach to things like inappropriate behavior, changing roles, odor, personality, language, and other issues I hear about frequently, and experience the impact of addressing things instead of simply hoping for change!