LESSONs LEARNED: From Loss and Major Surgeries

Losing my father and both my fathers-in-law in less than two years and having two major surgeries in that same amount of time has made for some interesting exchanges and experiences...and a lot of loss.

While I am grateful for the time I had with them and for my good health, as well as for people caring about me during these losses, there are a few lessons learned, including:

• During the time people are living, meet and appreciate them for where they are and who they are so that you can enjoy the time together without false expectations or disappointments. Memories are what you have remaining in the end!
• When others have lost loved ones, do not say things like "Let me know what I can do" or "I can't imagine losing my father", "I am just like you, a daddy's girl", or "What happened?" as you wait for an answer, as each of these comments/inquiries is all about you and not about the grieving person. Similarly, when others have had surgery,  do not say things like "Let me know what I can do" or "What happened?" or "How are you?" as you wait for an answer, as each of these comments/inquiries is all about you feeling better about yourself or simply getting the gossip to spread. It's not productive and kind.
• When others have lost loved ones, or had major surgery, do say things like "Thinking of you", "Sending good vibes", and "Praying for you", "You are on my mind" in written or verbal words (cards still are wonderful) since those comments require no responses and the person knows they are on their mind. Watch oversharing about your experience in order to be sincerely connected to your friend, family, or colleague because they are likely drained, and supporting you and your story does not feed their energy, it zaps it even more.
• Unless you are really close, consider sending a text over making a call, as there are emotional moments, hours, and days. And, in the message, resist asking questions or saying "Call me back", as that feels like a to-do for the griever/healer.
• If the grieving or healing person asks you to do something, do it. Don't ignore it or make it seem burdened. Offering to deliver a meal or walk with the person to heal and then going dark is not only careless, it is more damaging than not reaching out at all. Similarly, if you reach out a long time after the incident of loss or surgery, don't ramble on excusing your lack of presence, simply be there now.
• Whatever information you gain from these exchanges, keep that to yourself, as if you chat that up, you are simply gossiping! Privacy and respect do not go out the window simply because you have a chance to share details. Have discretion by saying something like "Respecting I got to speak with her, I'll let her know you asked about her".
• Be aware that we are grateful for people wanting to connect and that having people with whom you can connect is important and part of the ecosystem of life, and also that emotions and timing play a part in the process too...and the timing that is to be respected most is that of the griever or healer.

While I have and remain appreciative of people looking out for me, I hope this is useful for real connection at times of loss or change due to surgery. After all, death happens. Surgeries get scheduled or are urgent and occur. Still, when these take place, we can be kind and aware while assisting people to move through their experiences with grace and support.

Lessons Learned from Loss

 

On Friday, February 26, 2021, after our 2021 American Heart Association Go Red for Women Lunch-In virtual event, I said hello to my husband as I picked up Michael from Tampa General Hospital after he recovered for a couple of days after his transplant donation surgery. Later that day, a call came through to me that my father's heart rate had dropped into the 20s. While Michael progressed each day, my father received a pacemaker through a cardiologist near where he lived, and unfortunately, did not progress each day, and on Monday, April 12th, at TGH, under excellent, attentive care, we said goodbye to him as he took his last breaths. Over the past year, Michael and I have had two dear friends lose their young sons, we have both lost our fathers, and we both donated kidneys. In attempting to process through these experiences, we hope our friends have found comfort, our dads are in heaven together laughing about how the last time the four of us golfed together at Copperhead, they did, in fact, beat us (and I am talking smoked us on the links) for the first time, and, we hope the two people who now have a new lease on life with their third kidneys make the most of every moment. Life isn't always what we anticipate, and yet life is filled with memories and opportunities to participate in it, and yes, even in challenging times, embrace it.  May all of us feel that way as we recall what was likely a memorable year in its own way for each of us. Some lessons learned from loss include: Be grateful for what we have or had versus hateful for what we don't have or lost. When someone dies, share condolences and yet do NOT ask "What happened?" or if someone shares a loss with you that impacts you, too, be mindful not to dump your grief on that person. If someone is grieving, however that grief happens is theirs, and it is right and best for them. If someone shares a "Sorry for your loss" with you when you have a loved one who passed, and they knew that person, too, say "Thank you, and sorry for your loss, too", as they lost someone as well. It's never too late to share your condolences...not ever...just don't apologize for the timing and make it about you - let it stay about the loss and your support. Whatever you have lost is not the same as what another has lost. You can sympathize and empathize, yet nobody ever understands your loss exactly, and that is okay - just let it be. Every bit of support and love, prayer, flowers, cards, and well-wish or fond memory offered is/are impactful, felt, and appreciated. Love and loss go hand and glove with memories and smiles. Loss is loss, and yet sometimes loss leads to many moments of sharing and recalling good times...on some days, so choose to say hello to this, your next phase after loss...

From Loss to Win...

"Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself." ~ Walter Anderson

In life, we have wins and losses.

A loss is a loss...

A loss of something, someone or some opportunity.

Absolutely, mourn that loss.

And then,

Move to being grateful for what you had and at peace with what you do not.

Appreciate each person, thing, and experience for what is given...not what is taken away.

And while you will still have a loss, you will know that you won in the end with your perspective and gratitude.