How Feedback Really POPS!

“Action may not always bring happiness ... but there is no happiness without action.” ~ Benjamin Disraeli, 1st Earl of Beaconsfield, KG, PC, FRS, (21 December 1804 – 19 April 1881)

While we rarely want to get criticized, most of us appreciate constructive feedback…after all, feedback is a way in which we can reflect, take action, and eventually grow. Criticism often just smacks us down, defeats us, or drives us to change just to prove we can.

Well then, how can we share ideas for improvement without taking away from the efforts...and without being too timid?

There are many approaches to sharing insights, including the “kill ‘em with kindness approach the “lay it on the line approach”, and even the “Oreo cookie approach”. In my experience, if you want to really be constructive, professional and effective, consider using the “POPS approach”.

Where the “kill ‘em with kindness approach” can be wimpy and the opportunity to improve can be lost in niceties, and the the “lay it on the line approach” can be overly harsh and direct, and even the “Oreo cookie approach” of having that was rough/wrong first, softened in the middle with something that went well, and then finished with something else that was solidly wrong can still be negative, and even confusing. The POPS approach is:

Positive
Opportunity to improve
Positive
Summarize

In other words, it is the reverse of the Oreo, and therefore is about what is right, and how to enhance/change something in order to be even stronger. If someone gave a talk that was strong and effective, but few people could hear it, the POPS approach would be: “Sue, you had a strong opening with the statistics and that went well. You may want to use a microphone or learn to project your voice, as you had a lot of your audience straining to hear you, and that is the role of the speaker…to be heard. Also, your video clips were powerful and funny. So, stick with your stats, work on volume or a mic, and keep the humor, and you’ll likely have even a more lasting impression on the audience.”

By offering two sincere compliments and one bit to improve twice (one in the statement, and again in the summary), you are likely to be perceived as assisting the person, providing feedback over just criticism, and it will likely make a favorable impression that will lead to change/action versus defense or frustration on the receiver’s part!

Name that Name - Introducing Yourself

“Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?”

- Groucho Marx, American Comedian, Actor and Singer, 1890-1977

While many of us meet a lot of people, and have been schooled on the ways to remember names, such as repeating the name three times, asking about the origin of the name, picturing people who have similar names, and/or associating the name with actions/events to connect, I have recently realized many people are not aware of the best way to introduce themselves.

To introduce yourself, first remember the other person’s favorite topic is him or herself, and therefore, s/he is thinking about him/herself and not you. That may seem harsh, and yet it is true.

Since the receiver of your name and handshake is not focused on you, if you focus on that person, you’ll be on “the same page”, so to speak! The best way to introduce is to:

Make eye contact
Smile, or minimally change your expression
Extend your right hand to shake hands
Listen for the other person’s name first
Share your name clearly, slowly and fairly loudly

Then yes, repeat their name, associate, chat and move on. What I am finding does not happen a lot includes: the eye contact, the extension of the hand, the waiting for the other person’s name, and the person sharing his/her name. Wait, that’s everything!!! Primarily people (almost hard to believe) do not state their name – yikes – no name, and yet that is how you will identify the person! If someone does not share his or her name, rather just a(n insincere) “nice to meet you”. Remember, it is not only professional, it is most appropriate to say “And your name is?” with a smile and kindness in your voice, or a pleasant “please forgive me, I missed your name.”

Remember, even if someone else introduces you, please repeat your first name minimally to the recipient of the introduction. After all, you want to be memorable by your name, and not as the person who did not share his/her name!!

Assert Yourself

" The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others." ~ Sharon Anthony

Assert Yourself!

Can you be assertive without being considered wimpy or aggressive?
Of course…but how?

The difference between being assertive (standing up for yourself and/or others to get things accomplished professionally) and being overly aggressive is simply the difference of not badgering or insisting to the point of being rude. You can be assertive and consider others and/or the lasting impact of your actions without being antagonistic or labeled aggressive.

The difference between being assertive and being wimpy is often the difference in being direct and not being direct. Often people who do not stick with a thought or direction are perceived as wimpy.

Words, body language, positioning and tone all play a part in whether or not you are perceived as wimpy, assertive or aggressive. You can share ideas and be passionate while considering and hearing other without being seen as too wimpy (weak) or aggressive (forceful).

Let’s say you are in a restaurant or club ordering a meal, which is aggressive, and what is not?

A. I’ll have the blackened salmon with asparagus and a side salad with vinaigrette dressing, please.
B. I’ll take the salmon…how do you recommend it be cooked? Is the asparagus any good? Do you think a side salad will be too much with that? Will the vinaigrette be too tangy?
C. I'm having the salmon – make sure it’s blackened, and don't overcook it. And I'll have firm asparagus on the side, with a side salad with dressing on the side, if you can remember that.
D. Would you mind bringing me some salmon, please if it’s not too much trouble. Thank you and asparagus or something else with it will be fine.

A= Assertive, right?
B=Boy, oh boy, could you possibly remember the waiter/waitress does not know you, your likes, and dislikes, your capacity for food, etc.?
C=Caustic. Enough said, yet many handle things this way.
D=Dump all over me whenever you like…

You don’t have to go from wimpy to aggressive or vice versa. It's like when there is a hole in your driveway, and each time you drive through it, your car bottoms out a bit (the driveway integrity is wimpy), filling it with too much cement doesn’t solve the problem, it only changes it…it will still be a bumpy jolt on you and the car now, just in the opposite direction (like aggression). The true fix to the drive is an approach, a plan, a solution (assertive).

Sure steps to being assertive over wimpy or aggressive:
Think first, feel second.
Let things go.
Be inclusive. Solicit input in a way that is about “ask and incorporate”, vs. “ask and defend”.
Stay the course when decision is made.
Stop apologizing more than once.
Leave ego at the door.
Expect collaboration. Be prepared for competition.
Be consistent.
Share in the efforts and share in the wins.