Building Self-Esteem through Feedback

 Fairly often people say to me "I am afraid to give any feedback anymore" or "Our employees cannot take feedback - they don't want it!".

While it may feel like one or both of those statements is what you are thinking or living, those statements are polarizing, and they will not advance relationships and/or businesses.

Instead of thinking about the negative side of feedback, please think about the positive side of it, and how feedback delivered properly, and therefore, received well, can build self-esteem.

We often talk about, focus on, and encourage/demand self-confidence, yet self-confidence is circumstantial, where self-esteem is at someone's core. For example, I have high self-esteem, belief in my ability to understand, present well, learn, and grow. That does not go away. I have high self-confidence in speaking, coaching, golfing, and hosting events because, in those environments, I have the exposure, the experience, and the expertise that provide me with many ways to contribute.

The realities related to self-esteem and self-confidence are many, and two of them are that self-esteem is something we can coach to about a person, and self-confidence is gained by layering it on circumstantially, specifically, on top of self-esteem. So, giving feedback is key to raising self-esteem, and eventually, self-confidence for most people.

An approach to providing feedback to build self-esteem is to follow these steps/approaches:

1) Be clear that your idea-sharing is feedback to move forward.

2) Share that your ideas are coaching, not criticism.

3) Ensure that feedback is a loop and not only 1-way.

4) Ask and respect how each person with whom you are engaging prefers feedback: in writing, in-person, immediately, at scheduled times.

5) Learn the type of coaching each person seeks: written to understand on their own, shown & left to their own ways to practice, shown, then they do it, or working on it collaboratively start-to-finish.

6) State a goal for a coaching and/or feedback session with the person receiving the coaching and/or feedback.

7) Importantly, close out the session by asking and hearing how the person feels, thinks, and wants to move forward.

This type of feedback is the way to build self-esteem for the person, which then can be a foundation for building self-confidence in situations and in areas of experience. And, when we focus on self-esteem, the whole person is included, and that is what/who we bring to each relationship and work assignment, after all!

TAKE Criticism Well

Some people provide feedback, and most, who offer us "advice" sadly, provide it in the form of criticism. Even if it is constructive, sometimes it can be hard to swallow!

When you get either feedback or criticism, instead of defending it, TAKE it well, meaning, implore the approach of:

T - Thank the person or share "That's something I hadn't thought of"
A - Ask for clarification or an example if it's not clear
K - Keep calm & focused on how you can learn/grow from this
E - Explain in terms of feedback what you'll do

Once you learn to TAKE criticism, it become useful, and not so much of critical from the other person as it is a consideration on your side!

Feedback...To Give & Receive

"Champions know that success is inevitable; that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. They know that the best way to forecast the future is to create it." - Michael J. Gelb , Author, Speaker (b. 1952)

To be successful, really successful personally and professionally, it is important we want to learn to give and receive feedback well...not loudly, not softly, but well! To give positive feedback, please follow this format: NAME, you are... Or NAME, you have the ability to... Or NAME, you demonstrated such... Please stop saying "I think you are...". Make it about the other person. Be specific, be brief, be bold and be about them! When giving less-than-optimal feedback, please consider it as offering improvements by using language like below: NAME, you have the opportunity to improve... And, when you state that, offer a solution versus his/her fault. Rather than saying "Debbie, you are too loud in meetings", you could say "Debbie, you have the opportunity to connect with colleagues in meetings by lowering your volume and engaging with them in a tone that is inviting". When you receive feedback, please resist discounting it ("What that? I did not think it was that good") or defending it ("They don't get me", or "That's how I am", or "That's not what I meant"). Instead, a simple "thank you" will suffice. Success is not in being perfect, a part of being a successful, thriving person, though, is being perfectly happy and grateful for feedback received, and better yet, for feedback received, and implemented...those with whom you shared feedback, and that you got as well!

Collaborative, Constructive Performance Reviews

"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Ken Blanchard, American Businessman

Most of us like feedback...as long as we agree, right? Feedback is a gift when given and received well. As far as work goes, not wanting to give reviews, or feeling critical (leader) and criticized (team member) often comes up regarding giving and receiving feedback to/with employees.

With performance reviews, I encourage you to do the following on a quarterly basis:

Develop competencies for each role (only needs to be done once, and 6-10 competencies is usually best)
Assess the person to the competencies from 1-5 (no half numbers, with 5 being the highest)
Ask the person to assess himself or herself to the competencies from 1-5 (no half numbers, with 5 being the highest)
Share the assessments with each other
Discuss what is going well
Agree on what can be improved
Have an open discussion
Create a plan
Review the plan
Schedule the next quarterly review

I find this allows for input, discussion, coaching, and encouraging...without attacking or being too critical. In the end, the feedback can be collaborative, and a gift, so to speak, for each of you in growing your relationship, your team, and your business!

How Feedback Really POPS!

“Action may not always bring happiness ... but there is no happiness without action.” ~ Benjamin Disraeli, 1st Earl of Beaconsfield, KG, PC, FRS, (21 December 1804 – 19 April 1881)

While we rarely want to get criticized, most of us appreciate constructive feedback…after all, feedback is a way in which we can reflect, take action, and eventually grow. Criticism often just smacks us down, defeats us, or drives us to change just to prove we can.

Well then, how can we share ideas for improvement without taking away from the efforts...and without being too timid?

There are many approaches to sharing insights, including the “kill ‘em with kindness approach the “lay it on the line approach”, and even the “Oreo cookie approach”. In my experience, if you want to really be constructive, professional and effective, consider using the “POPS approach”.

Where the “kill ‘em with kindness approach” can be wimpy and the opportunity to improve can be lost in niceties, and the the “lay it on the line approach” can be overly harsh and direct, and even the “Oreo cookie approach” of having that was rough/wrong first, softened in the middle with something that went well, and then finished with something else that was solidly wrong can still be negative, and even confusing. The POPS approach is:

Positive
Opportunity to improve
Positive
Summarize

In other words, it is the reverse of the Oreo, and therefore is about what is right, and how to enhance/change something in order to be even stronger. If someone gave a talk that was strong and effective, but few people could hear it, the POPS approach would be: “Sue, you had a strong opening with the statistics and that went well. You may want to use a microphone or learn to project your voice, as you had a lot of your audience straining to hear you, and that is the role of the speaker…to be heard. Also, your video clips were powerful and funny. So, stick with your stats, work on volume or a mic, and keep the humor, and you’ll likely have even a more lasting impression on the audience.”

By offering two sincere compliments and one bit to improve twice (one in the statement, and again in the summary), you are likely to be perceived as assisting the person, providing feedback over just criticism, and it will likely make a favorable impression that will lead to change/action versus defense or frustration on the receiver’s part!

Practice First

“Practice is the best of all instructors.”

~ Publilius Syrus, Roman author, 1st century B.C.

Practice First

While it may be exciting to get something new out in the field, to patients or to your customers, remember, the patients, customers and clients were once someone else’s...or could be someone else's at some point, so the practice needs to come sooner rather than later, and internally instead of externally.



To minimize issues, embrace the ideas of "practice on your person or your pals and not your patients, clients or customers". This means role-play, situational probing, experiential learning through sharing, and consideration of what may arise when in front of patients, clients or customers. Brainstorm, green-light think through the process, product or approach from many angles.



Sure, you will not be able to cover absolutely everything in your practice efforts, but out of respect for your patients, clients and customers, just remember to value them and practice prior to meeting with them in order to perform, deliver and provide the best service, product, message possible for/to them.


Once you finish your initial practicing, still seek input for future improvements and the next generation/update, and then it's back to the drawing board, or rather practice field, for you and your team in an effort to keep those clients, customers and patients from being someone else's again, for as the quotation reads, our practice really is the best of instructors!