Sharing Sympathy & Condolences

People lose jobs, pets, relative and more. Sympathy is compassionate. Sympathy is natural. Condolences can be awkward and uncomfortable. Over the years, many people have expressed to me that while they want to offer condolences, they are not sure how to act, or what to say. Sympathy and condolences are not wrong. They come from the right place. There is no time limit on when to express sorrow. A way to sincerely and thoughtful approach is to:

• Resist asking "How are you?"
• Watch the sympathy look of pity or discomfort
• Send a card that you write a note about the loss, if you know the situation or person personally, and if you do not, and do not start with "I" in order to ensure it is about the other person/people
• Call, text and/or tell the person know you are available (and be available), and don't push for conversation or time, answers or explanations
• Know it is okay to say something like "While words escape me, please know you are on my mind and in my heart", as it's okay to not know what to say
• Resist sharing your stories of similar, or seemingly similar stories, unless the other person wants to hear them
• Don't say "I understand", as their situation is different
• Do something for the person without asking "What can I do?"

Be sympathetic and offer condolences. Be there, and not too intrusive. Be available, and not disappointed if there is no response. Be compassionate without being overly communicative. Check in, make a difference, and then treat the person or people with respect and interest.

ROSY Opinion Sharing

"Too often we... enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought."

~ John F. Kennedy

John Fitzgerald "Jack" Kennedy, commonly referred to by his initials JFK, was an American politician who served as the 35th President of the United States from January 1961 until his assassination in November 1963.

(1917 - 1963)

Expressing opinions is something people often do, and yet don't do well...from the perspective of those without the same or similar view. What is it about us that drives us to share our opinions so freely, and sadly, sometimes, so offensively?

There are many ways to talk of a view or even a passion that can get others riled up, and yes, there's a way, perhaps many ways, to speak of thoughts and direction without getting a rise...it's by keeping it ROSY!

What is meant by that is the typical statement is anything other than rosy, rather it's more of a thorny approach. Instead of simply 1) stating a view
2) attempting to rationalize or justify it
3) making others feel wrong or incorrect
4) alienate those not in agreement
allow for a ROSY-ness to your messaging by:
R - Reason - Share the reason or background regarding the issue/topic at hand
O - Offer the consideration of both or all views
S - Share a story or experience
Y - Your view/opinion gets stated

An example of the thorny approach to moving a vacation from March to July would be:
"We are not going to the beach in March! We will go in July! Who would want to be in the sand and surf in March? That's crazy! People freeze at the beach in the winter! Good thing we are not doing that!"

An example of the ROSY-ness way for the same topic is:
"Planning a vacation is important for everyone concerned. Sounds like a couple options are a March beach vacation and a July sand and surf trip. Last year, Carl and Bob went to the East Coast for the March Spring Break, and they reported spending a lot of time indoors, at movies, and wishing the weather were warmer. Considering we want to hang out in the sand and surf, I propose we go in July to get the most from our vacation!"

When you are ROSY, and sincere, the result is likely to be less thorny than before!!

Wingin' It Vs. Sharing Expertise

"True intuitive expertise is learned from prolonged experience with good feedback on mistakes."

~ Daniel Kahneman

Israeli-American psychologist notable for his work on the psychology of judgment and decision-making, as well as behavioral economics, for which he was awarded the 2002 Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences.

(b. 1934)

Through many studies and surveys, Americans consistently share that public speaking is one of their biggest, often the biggest of fears. In working with people, and in other articles, it's been shared that being the expert, putting the audience first, and getting out of your own way are three things to remember to be an effective presenter. That has not changed.

This article is to share the difference in "winging it", and "sharing expertise". When people tell me they don't like to write things down, prepare, or rehearse because they are better at "winging it", what they likely mean is that they are best sharing their expertise. When you are the expert, and when you have confidence in your knowledge, position and expertise, you can be effective in "sharing expertise". It is not that you are "winging it", rather you may not want a script, props or other things for a presentation. True "winging it" is when someone is not prepared, does not have knowledge, or simply ignored opportunities to get informed.

"Sharing expertise", being vulnerable and open are all to be encouraged. This form of public speaking, in small or large groups, formally or informally, is something that often touches the audience in a way a rehearsed deck on something that the speaker does not truly have expertise, never could. "Winging it", real "winging it" is something that is frenetic, without support, and possibly a series of fleeting opinions.

Fear or not, when you have a change to speak publicly, if you find yourself telling yourself or others that you are best "winging it", please consider giving each of you more credit by realizing and embracing the fact that part of your impact, and part of your way to connect, is by "sharing expertise".

Maximize Your Moxumility

"You know more than you think you know, just as you know less than you want to know." - Oscar Wilde, Irish Poet, Novelist, Dramatist and Critic, 1854-1900

MoxumilityTM is a word I have trademarked to show, express and encourage the idea of combining moxie with humility. While it is super to have the confidence (the moxie) it is also well-serving to know there is more to learn, experience and appreciate (the humility). Here are my top 10 ways to Maximize Your Moxumility. Additionally, here's a link to a 28-minute talk where I shared this as well: http://youtu.be/c23pkMRH1jE 10 - Be the expert in your space for your size, clients & offerings. 9 - Be trusting to be trustworthy. 8 - Be responsive instead of reactionary. 7 - Be contagious. 6 - Be grateful instead of just full of "great"s. 5 - Be absolutely, positively addicted to the truth! 4 - Be more interested in others than interesting to others. 3 - Be about "What?" and/or "How?" over "Why?". 2 - Be the product, and be the value. 1 - Be an intentional example that others can sample. Whether it is the video, or just the quick summary, here's hoping this tip reminds you of your moxie and humility! Thank you, and make the most of your moxumility!

St. Valentine's Spirit All Year Long!

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” ~ Voltaire, French Philosopher and Writer (1694-1778)

Early each February (if not sooner for retail reasons!) Saint Valentine is brought to life in many forms from cards to candy, but what about when images, figures and holiday happenings are not present? Do we stop giving of ourselves to others, and lose a little of that holiday love that is generated so generously around February 14th?

Not necessarily…

Without the cutout hearts, greeting cards and wonderful chocolates to share, we are left with just us, raw and unsure, busy and baffled, appreciative and awkward. It’s okay, though, as many of you have heard me say (or read in my writings) in the past, very few (if any) people we know are overwhelmed, and simply too full of love and appreciation each day.

If you think you are unsure of what to say or how to say it, kindly:

~ Start with sincerity and a smile
~ Continue with telling, writing or selecting a card that denotes your feelings
~ Make the message or comment about him or her, and not you
~ Let the person know what you love or appreciate about him/her or his/her efforts
~ Move on so the situation is not odd for that person

An example of this is (see the smile and hear the sincerity, please) “Andy, your approach with the client was nothing less than spot-on. I appreciate the way you get to know each person with whom you interact. Thank you for making a difference for the company in your relationship-building! What else is on your agenda for us to cover?”. This example allows Andy to say his thank you and keep going, or if Andy is really comfortable receiving praise, he can make some other comments as well. Either way, it is a success for Andy.

As for you, you won’t fail or even flail. You’ll likely be a huge hit. You may receive an “oh, you don’t have to say that”, or a “really???”. Let it be. I’d hope for etiquette’s sake you’ll get a “thank you”, but we give sincere recognition comments selflessly in anticipation of nothing in return (the same for gifts). After all, the appreciation and love you share is meant to be expressed and stated… how else will you keep the St. Valentine spirit alive all year long?

Your Idea SPACE Approach

“An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea.” ~ Buddha

You live in a world of ideas.

How are you at Sharing, Persuading, Asking, Collaborating and Executing such ideas?

Consider the Idea SPACE approach of:

•Share what the issue is or need at hand as well as what a win/success would be.
•Persuade others to interest with stories and examples.
•Ask if you missed anything to get clarification and on the same page.
•Collaborate together on a firm, sound work-able solution.
•Execute what was decided with tracking and accountability.

As an Entrepreneur, new leader, or established pro, if you make idea SPACE part of your process, effective communication and action will be part of your lasting impression, sales, recognition and results!

High, Low, Pride Review

“Democracy is the art of thinking independently together.”
~ Alexander Meiklejohn

At the end of a presentation, work day, work week, or project, a good way to kick off a review of the "happenings" is to ask three things:

What was the high from this experience/day/week/project?

What was the low from this experience/day/week/project?

What are you most proud of as it relates to this experience/day/week/project?

The first question starts on a positive note, the second allows you to solution things for next time, and you end with the third question to bring it all into perspective and close strongly as well.

Implement an agenda of just these three things, and watch where the "review" goes...it's democratic, since you each/all can participate, and it's diplomatic in the approach!

Side note - this works great with kids, spouses, and any personal relationships, too!

Sharing Your Opposing Opinion Professionally

“Professionalism is knowing how to do it, when to do it, and doing it.” ~ Frank Tyger

A well written opposing opinion message allows for clarity and understanding (not to be confused with agreement). As long as you have an intent that is focused and clear while anticipating your audience, you will likely have success. Still, in order to be as well prepared as possible, the following steps to effectively opposing an opinion, will assist you in achieving just that!

1. Decide what you want to inspire: thoughts, exchange, debate, etc.
2. Imagine various perspectives, regardless of your position.
3. Assess whether you have exposure, experience or expertise in the subject area and know that your audience will know that as well.
4. Use a considerate approach, including:
a. Background on topic (what you have heard/read) for acknowledgment
b. Share one or two stories with facts and evidence that are compelling/interesting
c. State your opinion

If you are writing to someone, use the following additional tips:
1. Create an outline and draft including an introduction (Background), body (Story) and conclusion (Opinion).
2. Use proper vocabulary, punctuation, spelling and tense without acronyms (unless used only after the full description), slang or colloquial references.

For both verbally and in writing embrace the following:
1. Be passionate about the topic without being emotional about potential conflicts.
2. Look forward to the replies/ideas that you may or may not have considered.

Best wishes on those "used-to-get-heated" topics by using a professional, time-tested approach!

Giving Thanks Verbally!

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. ~ Albert Schweitzer

It's not that we are not grateful, it's not that we are unappreciative...sometimes it is just challenging to express our gratitude and appreciation. Not this year at Thanksgiving!

You may have seen in my newsletter an example of a way to share verbal appreciation by using the following approach:

(Name), you are very _________ (strength), and that is appreciated because it makes a difference in _________. Thank you!

And, here are some others:

"Thank you, _________(name) for your efforts with ___________________ (task)! You really showed your _________________ (strength), and I appreciate you for that!

OR

Thank you, _________(name) for being so _________________ (strength)! I appreciate it because you _______________________ (difference the person makes)!

Additionally, a toast to one or many people really makes an impression and can show gratitude. An example is:

Thanksgiving is a time for food, people and holiday cheer, so here's to the wonderful dishes we all have prepared, the friends and family who chose to join us, and all the fun conversations and memories we are about to share! I thank you for being here! (Raising glass) Happy Thanksgiving!

Whatever way you show your appreciation, a smile and sincerity are your best assets, and real gratitude cannot be delivered incorrectly, so go ahead, give, give, give!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Assert Yourself

" The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others." ~ Sharon Anthony

Assert Yourself!

Can you be assertive without being considered wimpy or aggressive?
Of course…but how?

The difference between being assertive (standing up for yourself and/or others to get things accomplished professionally) and being overly aggressive is simply the difference of not badgering or insisting to the point of being rude. You can be assertive and consider others and/or the lasting impact of your actions without being antagonistic or labeled aggressive.

The difference between being assertive and being wimpy is often the difference in being direct and not being direct. Often people who do not stick with a thought or direction are perceived as wimpy.

Words, body language, positioning and tone all play a part in whether or not you are perceived as wimpy, assertive or aggressive. You can share ideas and be passionate while considering and hearing other without being seen as too wimpy (weak) or aggressive (forceful).

Let’s say you are in a restaurant or club ordering a meal, which is aggressive, and what is not?

A. I’ll have the blackened salmon with asparagus and a side salad with vinaigrette dressing, please.
B. I’ll take the salmon…how do you recommend it be cooked? Is the asparagus any good? Do you think a side salad will be too much with that? Will the vinaigrette be too tangy?
C. I'm having the salmon – make sure it’s blackened, and don't overcook it. And I'll have firm asparagus on the side, with a side salad with dressing on the side, if you can remember that.
D. Would you mind bringing me some salmon, please if it’s not too much trouble. Thank you and asparagus or something else with it will be fine.

A= Assertive, right?
B=Boy, oh boy, could you possibly remember the waiter/waitress does not know you, your likes, and dislikes, your capacity for food, etc.?
C=Caustic. Enough said, yet many handle things this way.
D=Dump all over me whenever you like…

You don’t have to go from wimpy to aggressive or vice versa. It's like when there is a hole in your driveway, and each time you drive through it, your car bottoms out a bit (the driveway integrity is wimpy), filling it with too much cement doesn’t solve the problem, it only changes it…it will still be a bumpy jolt on you and the car now, just in the opposite direction (like aggression). The true fix to the drive is an approach, a plan, a solution (assertive).

Sure steps to being assertive over wimpy or aggressive:
Think first, feel second.
Let things go.
Be inclusive. Solicit input in a way that is about “ask and incorporate”, vs. “ask and defend”.
Stay the course when decision is made.
Stop apologizing more than once.
Leave ego at the door.
Expect collaboration. Be prepared for competition.
Be consistent.
Share in the efforts and share in the wins.

Basic #2: The Thank You Note

Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.

~G.B. Stern

The Power of Written Appreciation

Fast paced days filled with meeting, appointment, activities and people can become a blur…and yet without the human interaction, kindness, collaboration and interactions, we would be alone…and likely far less productive!

Basic #2: The Thank You Note

It is not a lost art, it is not a lost art, it is not a lost art! At least that is what I keep telling myself as it relates to thank you notes. These personal, hand-written scribbles of appreciation not only make the recipient’s day, but it will make the sender take a look back on a full day and share gratitude in a way that few people do nowadays.

Whether it is for making time for you, going out of their way, or doing something else that you recognized as something of value, it is worthwhile to make time for that person, shift your focus off yourself and your tasks/stress, and allow someone else’ life and efforts come into view. It’s one thing to see/observe something, and it is another to act on it.

Time to take action with a simple concept – the thank you card/note. Whether you use custom notes or generic cards, the sentiment is what is most important. Date your card, people often keep these seemingly rare finds, and address the card with the person’s name followed by something about them (not you with “I” to start the note). Let the person know what s/he did, said or didn’t do or say that you appreciated. Tell that person it did not go unnoticed and close with something to reinforce your relationship. Send it within 24 hours ideally, and within the week of something happening (on the outset).

It is a 90-second process that costs less than $1, and yet the payoff for your sense of human kindness, and possibly even your business, will likely be priceless.

Thank you for being a client and/or follower!

Re-engaged Commitment in 4 Easy Steps

"Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans."
~ Peter F. Drucker

Re-Engaged Commitment in 4 Easy Steps

Here we are in 2009 already! If you are seeing challenges in people being committed fully to school, the family, work or the team, consider these four steps (in order) to re-engage and get results:

1) Take time to look back. Allowing people to briefly discuss the good and the bad of the past year (rather than the "bury your head in the sand about the economy" approach far too many are taking...or worse yet, the "sky is falling, let's complain, complain, complain approach) will make it known that you are aware, that you care, and that you are willing to listen and share.

2) Project long and short-term results. The long term, big picture, will keep things in mind, and the weekly or bi-weekly goals will allow perspective, accomplishment and a sense of reward for efforts made.

3) Get the input from all. When your family or your team is going forward with a trip or a project, they may not be the decision makers, but you can sincerely find a way to allow their input to matter and be seen in the end. Consider asking for a theme idea for a trip with the family and ask colleagues and team members at work for the pros and cons...the potential pitfalls and winner circle moments. Make sure you listen and learn, as you are likely to hear something you have not considered.

4) Reflect on the day/week/month/quarter with what went well and what can/will be improved. Celebrate successes and head off potential disasters with open communication and planning.

Through taking time to look back, projecting long and short-term results, getting input from all involved, and reflecting on the time frames consistently, you will get re-engagement and productive, communicative family, team or group members in 2009!

Have a question about your career or other things in your life that you think would be a great topic for a tip? Suggest it, please by emailing me directly to Debbie@DebbieLundberg.com!

Quotations on Teaching and Learning

Some of my favorite ways of teaching and learning include reading, listening and sharing...

Quotations are a wonderful way to combine all of them in either a message, spoken in a group or written, so here are some of my favorites in regards to growth through classes/courses:

“Every truth has four corners: as a teacher I give you one corner, and it is for you to find the other three.” ~ Confucius

“It's not what is poured into a student that counts, but what is planted.” ~ Linda Conway

“Teaching is the achievement of shared meaning.” ~ D.B. Gowin

“The true teacher defends his pupils against his own personal influence.” ~ A. Bronson Alcott

“The secret of education is respecting the pupil.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Enjoy them, and keep on learning, growing, teaching and sharing!

Share Your Voice...

At a public event this weekend, I had an opportunity to share my voice, so to speak. From that little bit of sharing my passion and voice, quite a few people have contacted me with questions or interests, and now, each of us is growing and changing...because each of us shared our voice.

How many times do you want to say something or have a way to do something but hold back or blow it off in your mind? If you would kindly remember that your voice...your opinion...you, matter, so the sharing of your voice is a way to be heard and for others to hear. Consider it a way to learn and grow yourself and possible for others.

Here's to your voice...please let it be heard!