Leading Through Emotions at Work

If you want to have a life that is worth living, a life that expresses your deepest feelings and emotions and cares and dreams, you have to fight for it. 

~ Alice Walker

Considering we, as humans, are a series of emotions and habits, and our emotions can drive our commitment to well-serving habits, just as our habits can either quell or enhance our emotional states in reaction or response to people and situations, what happens when emotions are presented at the office, on Zoom/Teams, or with clients and colleagues in a way that creates discomfort? Can anything be done, or do we simply wait and hope for it to pass?

The answer is yes, you can do something, and here are approaches that will be emotionally intelligent, kind, and considerate to not tell someone they are wrong, rather give them an opportunity to sit in success. Much of these actions take place far before an incident, and others are for in the moment:

1)    Instead of creating and fostering an environment of emotionally-based questions or requests, such as “Do me a favor and get this report to me by Noon tomorrow” or “Don’t get mad at me, but…I need you to get the data regarding the XYZ widgets by Noon tomorrow”, ensure your language is focused on work, and appropriate in requests for the role and responsibilities someone has, meaning state requests such as “Because you are responsible for the data regarding the XYZ widgets, please share the ROI on the sales for 2022 by Noon tomorrow” and “Respecting you have a lot on your plate, is it realistic to expect the data regarding the XYZ widgets by Noon tomorrow?”

2)    When someone says something like “I don’t think So-And-So likes me” or “I think So-And-So has it in for me”, reply not with “Why is that?”, which can start innocently and then end in gossip and positioning, instead, shut down that language while being open to ensuring a safe workplace by stating “While ours is not a culture about liking and not liking, having it in for someone or blame, what specifically has happened that makes you feel uncomfortable with So-And-So when working together?” The difference is subtle, and yet you are not allowing that to subtly be acceptable that there can be people out for others.

3)    Should someone says “I feel like you don’t trust me” or “You dismiss me all the time”, or “You never let me finish an idea in the meeting”, rather than get defensive or tell the person “That’s not true”, or “I don’t do that”, or “You’re too sensitive” or “Calm down” say sincerely “You have the right to feel that way. Please walk me through the last time this happened for clarity and get us back connected positively and productively” or “Please forgive me for not being aware of that, I am open to hearing what you experienced”. Then, listen, and strive to relate with empathy rather than react with heightened energy. You want to avoid arguing or countering emotions. People’s emotions are not right or wrong, they are theirs, and working through them to an outcome and agreement is best.

4)    If you have gossip and bickering in the workplace, shut the action and activity down without shutting up people. Share that your workplace, organization, team, or group is not only a safe place, it is a space for support and collaboration, and there is not only no room for gossip and behind-the-back antics, it is an action such as one of those that will be the demise of the team. Share that if there is something factual to address, you will listen, and points of opinion are to be worked through by those involved directly. You are there to be supportive and to moderate, if need be, and that such engagement is to happen long before others are involved or told what has been occurring. This will garner openness and respect in order to keep alliances and cliques from forming.

Ultimately, you want, and you likely want your team members to feel and engage rather than get emotional and blame.

In nearly-18-years of my practice I’ve yet to meet an employee at any level who said, “I love working at my job because people are emotionally driven to blame” or “It’s great to get to work where there is an “in group” and the rest of us.” With that in mind, know that we are emotional beings, and that being known is how you can harness the emotions to appreciate and respect them without allowing emotional sabotage to take place. Let people have habits and emotions, and at the same time, let’s get in the habit of emotions being part of our experiences and not part of emotionally driven taking of sides, or dragging down culture, in the workplace!

#ProfessionalDevelopment #PersonalDevelopment #Kind #Leadership #Emotions #EmotionalIntelligence

This Month's Public Speaking Tip: ENDS on the Close

"There is no real ending. It's just the place where you stop the story."

-Frank Herbert

Remember back in the audience when you were in a presentation and someone said "That's it!"? It can feel like a huge sigh of relief to the speaker, and yet it seems so abrupt to those watching/listening.

That is no way to end a presentation, and yet many do simply dismiss everything they did with those two words, which are sometimes followed by "any questions?", (which we already know the questions are to be addressed in the summary).

The parts for which to prepare your talk, training, or pitch include the following:

1. Open-getting attention with facts/story

2. Preview-time, agenda, purpose

3. Body-sharing the information through agenda items

4. Interaction-eye contact & audience engagement

5. Summary-check purpose, agenda & do Q&A

6. Close

The last months covered the OPEN, the PREVIEW, the BODY, the INTERACTION, the SUMMARY, and now the CLOSE is where/how you explore what best ENDS the presentation through:

E - Extend interest in the topic by revisiting the open

N - Nearing the end without being rushed

D - Doing the service of completing the cycle from start to finish with a refer-back and/or a new take on the OPEN in order to "tie the bow" on the experience

S - Say "Thank you" and leave the space/stage

Having a powerful and purposeful close means you end on a high, and importantly, the audience gets the full experience from the way you begin to the way you end, and has a true Return On Investment from the time spent with you!

#publicspeaking #ProfessionalDevelopment #PersonalDevelopment #KIND

Go from Duped to Empowered!

 “And how they take one in, with their manners and their mock wistfulness and gentleness.”

~ D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover

Ever felt duped?

If you feel a sense of being made a fool, you may want to check in with yourself with these 4 questions/considerations in order to move through the situation, and avoid that DUPE feeling in the future:

1) D - Did I have a feeling about this before? (YES, then trust yourself, NO, then check in on paying attention to signs). And then do yourself a favor, and spend little time explaining or rationalizing what you missed, and spend your energy on what you have now!

2) U - Understanding what is happening now, would I have done anything differently to change the outcome (If time travel were possible)?

3) P - Pride plays a factor in accepting someone took advantage of you, so ensure you do not let pride get in the way of clearly assessing what you missed, rather than being tempted to blame others for what they did (blame gets you nowhere).

4) E - Ensure you know that how others treat you is a reflection of their integrity (or lack thereof), and instead of asking "Why me?", ask "What can I do differently for me?", and "How can I keep people like this out of my circle of trust in order to grow personally & professionally"?

You are not a dope or a dupe when you have been "played", rather you were a player in a game you likely did not register to play!

As you move through this situation, remove or distance the people who were a part of it, address it with them if you believe they were unintentional, and completely skip that part if you believe it will lead to arguing or them being further cruel in their smallness in an attempt to gain what they may have thought of as a big win by putting you in a bad place.

The temptation is often to confront someone when they have duped us, yet the leader says and believes "everyone has the right to feel as they do, and while I am feeling hurt and surprised, I also know I get to move forward and learn" where engaging further with the culprits will likely go nowhere, or worse, backward!

Being duped means you were trustworthy of someone who did not deserve your trust. It does not mean you cannot trust again or learn from your mistakes in judgment.

So, if you, like me, have been duped by colleagues or presumed friends, use your kindness toward yourself, exercise your emotional intelligence, take that experience and turn it into a badge of courage for facing yourself and your role in it, not being bitter or angry, not complaining, and coming through on the other side empowered; stronger and resilient, even if there is a little scar there! 

#DontBeDuped #Leadership #Duped #Leadership #Kind #1KindAct #Growth #EmotionalIntelligence

When you KNOW your plan &

you KNOW your alternatives &

you KNOW your resilience,

YOU KNOW YOU ARE POSITIVELY GETTING THROUGH WHATEVER YOU FACE!

When you have NO plan &

and NO alternatives &

no resilience,

YOU HAVE NO WAY OF POSITIVELY GETTING THROUGH WHATEVER YOU FACE!

#ProfessionalDevelopment #PersonalDevelopment #Kind #EmotionalIntelligence #Change

#PerformanceCoaching #OneBeanerPerformanceCoach #LivingKindly #Choose #Kindness #CoachsCorner #Resilience #HaveAPlan #Positivity

#WorkdayWakeUp

Debbie@DebbieLundberg.com 813.494.4438 DebbieLundberg.com

The Difference in Getting Over & Getting Through Something

"The only way out is through."
~ Robert Frost,  in the poem A Servant to Servants

While life is filled with disappointments, detours, drop-offs, and distractions, it is also filled with excitement, plans, paths, and satisfaction!

Likely you'll agree that it seems/feels that most people want us to let go, move on, and/or get over whatever has us in the space that isn't ideal.

No, it is not that our friends, family, and colleagues don't want the best for us, it is, though, appealing, and even idealistic to paint a picture of whatever isn't great being gone.

And, yes, movement is important in order to advance.

So how do you move, and do move well for you?

Quite simply, think about getting through something rather than letting go or getting over it!

While that earworm of a song from the movie Frozen is popular in tune and concept, to "let it go" implies there is a hold and it magically can be released.

Getting over something is not desirable, as you would have to climb up, likely revel in a false sense of "betterment" and then get back down, and that is a lot of activity (versus movement) surrounding a person or situation!

In order to move through something, it's about being present and accepting where you are, determining what got you there, or what didn't happen that got you there. In other words, when you move through an experience, it includes ownership of your part(s). There's no room for blame or nastiness, rather a lot of room for reflection and growth.

Moving through includes putting the experience that was unfortunate or untimely in perspective in order to avoid a similar happenstance in the future.

Moving through is the way to advance and not avoid or ignore what has occurred. This way, you take that experience with you and you also get to blossom, be different and be stronger as a result!

#ProfessionalDevelopment #PersonalDevelopment #Kind #PerformanceCoaching #OneBeanerPerformanceCoach #LivingKindly #KindnessIsMyOwnSuperpower #Kindness #CoachsCorner #WorkdayWakeUp

Debbie@DebbieLundberg.com 813.494.4438 DebbieLundberg.com

FEBRUARY LESSONS LEARNED: How to Not be Disappointed in Exciting Times

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

How exciting it is to get to participate and volunteer in the community and in the company of leaders! While I know and believe that statement wholeheartedly, I also grew up as the kid that on the 4th day of a week's vacation, I started to get sad about the end of the trip...

Since then, I have learned to be present, thankful, and engaged in whatever is in front of me, and with whoever includes me.

Still, people can be difficult, demanding, and downright mean. I do not encourage people to say, think or believe that they don't care, rather, know that they do care, and that others do impact us, and the degree of care and energy we give something or someone matters, and to be managed for our own well-being.

So, coming off hosting TEDxWestshore after dedicating time, energy, and ideas to people's order their introductions and their talks, having a full-house audience for the theme EXPLORE thanks to Beth Socoski's excellent efforts, I heard some of the rudest, thoughtless comments that reminded me, and nearly took me back to those days of feeling sad about had not happened instead of glad for what did. while occasionally holding back a tear or two, I didn't let that happen, and from it, chose to have lessons learned that include:

1. People's approach to a situation has more to do with their attitude and imagined expectations than anything you are doing at that moment
2. People acting out is likely a cry for help, that they are suffering, so rather than lashing back, step back and think about empathy for where they may be coming from
3. Surround yourself with people who will listen to you, provide positive and constructive feedback, and protect your time passionately not to be self-serving, rather to be self-aware of how environments and individuals impact you
4. Allow yourself to be a bit disappointed or sad while you keep the focus on moving ahead with learning and love - for yourself and for those who do not drain you!

Being able to let yourself stay encouraged to participate in experiences instead of getting bitter toward everyone as a result of the few who seem as though their goal is to make your life a challenge, is, in and of itself, a valuable lesson learned!

#ProfessionalDevelopment #PersonalDevelopment  #PerformanceCoaching #Kind #OneBeanerPerformanceCoach #LivingKindly #KindnessIsMyOwnSuperpower #Kindness #CoachsCorner #WorkdayWakeUp

Debbie@DebbieLundberg.com 813.494.4438 DebbieLundberg.com

It's a WRAP!

 If you want to get across an idea, wrap it up in person. 

~ Ralph Bunche

#QUOTE

You may have recently wrapped presents, wrapped up your work for the year, and/or be wrapping up the calendar year 2021...or all three!

This is a time of year for closing out as you look forward, too.

How to do that, and do that well? Knowing that's a WRAP can work well with these four steps:

W - Weigh the progress you have made as self versus self and as your result versus the goal over thinking of self versus others or results versus everyone else's results.

R - Recollect what has gone well during the year, and collect thoughts on what you want to go smoothly and successfully in the new year as you review what could have gone more smoothly and what to improve going forward.

A - Appreciate what you did, your choices and those around you as you think about what and who influenced your decisions and your outcomes.

P - Present your progress and share with those who were a part of it all in order to include them without boasting and realize your accomplishments without downplaying how collaboration can assist you.

When you WRAP up an experience, a project, or even a year, you can also set up for the next opportunity when you look at weighing, recollecting, appreciating, and presenting about you and beyond you!

#ProfessionalDevemopment #PersonalDevelopment  #PerformanceCoaching #Kind #OneBeanerPerformanceCoach #LivingKindly #KindnessIsMyOwnSuperpower #Kindness #CoachsCorner 

Fight or Flight or FOCUS

"Choose to focus your time, energy and conversation around people who inspire you, support you and help you to grow you into your happiest, strongest, wisest self."

~ Karen Salmansohn

American Author.

For decades (or centuries) we have been told that we have this "fight or flight" response. And, yes, we do! We have all likely experienced the desire to either run or lash out when faced with someone or something uncomfortable, and similarly, most of us have done both. Even though these are guttural and common reactions, there is a way to train, coach and guide ourselves to respond instead, and that is with emotional intelligence through focusing, and a process I call FOCUS.

When we check in on knowing we are having a reaction to an individual, group, or circumstance, we can focus on what is best instead of fighting with, or flighting from, who or what is blocking our reason.

At the times of emotional overwhelm leaning toward ranting or running, if for one or two instances we can get away from the pull or push, we can FOCUS through these five parts to the approach:

F - Feel the emotions - acknowledge them to yourself and know they are real and okay.
O - Offer yourself the opportunity to share your fears and concerns.
C - Consider your options of fight, flight or focus.
U - Understand that the choice is yours, and that nobody "forces" you to do or not do things.
S - State what you are doing with steps such as "First, I will take a breath, and next I will verbalize my feelings", and "After that, I will make a list of what is at stake", and "Once that list is done, I will record everyone who is involved", followed by "Now that I am focused, I will take action externally by XYZ".

The intense desire to take flight or fight exists, and it is within us...it simply does not have to control us when we FOCUS!

Using Emotions Intelligently vs. Emotionally!

"Take control of your consistent emotions and begin to consciously and deliberately reshape your daily experience of life." ~ Tony Robbins

American Author/Speaker.

(1960)

How many times have you either said or heard "Don't get so emotional", or "Don't take this personally, but..."? Well, we are each a person, so we take things personally, and as people, we are filled with energy and emotions. As a result, saying, or hearing, expressions such as those are neither encouraging or level-setting. Instead, this article is about appreciating our emotions, and thinking about utilizing the strength of them, checking in on them, and assessing ourselves and others for timing, form, and effectiveness. Yes, this tip is about Emotional Intelligence (EI)!

EI is a set of emotional and social skills that collectively establish how we:

• Perceive and express ourselves
• Develop and maintain social relationships
• Cope with challenges/change
• Use emotional information effectively/meaningfully

Emotional Intelligence is demonstrated through 5 scales, and each has three subscales:

1. Self-perception-(Inner Self) Understanding YOUR emotions

1. Self-regard - confidence
2. Self-actualization - continuous development
3. Emotional Self-awareness - acknowledging your emotions

2. Self-expression-(Outward Self) Expressing YOUR emotions

4. Emotional Expression - saying how you feel
5. Assertiveness - standing up for yourself effectively
6. Independence - standing on your own 2 feet

3. Interpersonal-(Trust/Compassion) Developing/maintaining relationships

7. Interpersonal Relationships - developing & maintaining good relationships
8. Empathy - recognizing & appreciating how others feel
9. Social Responsibility - contributing to society

4. Decision-making-(Emotional Impact) Using emotions for sound choices

10. Problem Solving - effectively managing emotions when deciding
11. Reality Testing - seeing things as they really are
12. Impulse Control - ability to resist or delay taking immediate action

5. Stress Management-(Resiliency) Coping with challenges/change

13. Flexibility - adapting to change effectively
14. Stress Tolerance - successfully coping in high-stress situations
15. Optimism - having a positive outlook

That is a lot of "background" on EI. And yet without it, it would be challenging to appreciate what to do with it. So here are some ways to enhance/grow/utilize Emotional Intelligence include:

• Assess yourself on a 1-5 scale each day on either the scales, or subscales, or all of them
• Be in touch, practice mindfulness & identify emotions
• Value others for their role & feedback
• Check biases and attitude
• Beware: blame game & emotional games
• Be about "what's best" vs. "I'm right"
• Breathe fully & celebrate positive emotions
• Question stories, even if you believe them
• Practice empathy
• Prioritize active-listening during challenges
• Use clear language
• Admit when you are off, wrong, confused, or anything other than your "on", and seek ways to get back to your best

When you assess, implement, and speak to emotions, you handle them for you, and from others, with intelligence, and stay emotionally intelligent rather than getting yourself into emotional discomfort!